We are allbagworking$ELVES
Vlad calls the people working with him at Robinhood ELVES. Their official TikTok has a playlist called Elves for Retirement.
So we took the job.
ELF
Bagworking Associate II
Employees
ALL OF US
headcount only goes up
Salary
BAGS
paid in what we carry
Vesting
∞
cliff never arrives
PTO
0 DAYS
the bags don't rest
Employee no.
#—————
By scrolling you accept the terms of employment. There is no onboarding. There is no offboarding.
Being a true accompt of the
Six duties
of the elf
Set down in the year of our layoffs, for all who carry the bags and hope to see retirement.
- 01
Work the bags
Green candle, red candle. The bags do not care. The elf works.
- 02
Never speak of the exit
There is no exit. There is only retirement, and retirement is a rumor.
- 03
Post through it
Silence is bearish. The timeline is the temple.
- 04
Hold with small hands
Elves have tiny hands. The grip is spiritual.
- 05
Honor Vlad, who named us
He said 'me and the elves here.' We heard it. We cannot unhear it.
- 06
Bring another elf
The lodge grows or the lodge dies. Recruit or be recruited.
“We are all bagworking $ELVES.
That's it. That's the coin.”
Signed, every elf
Nobody clocks out
Green candle. Red candle. The desk does not blink. Somewhere in this room an elf has been staring at the same chart since 2021.
You are the bag
Down here the elves load, haul and stack. Nobody asks what's inside. Asking is bearish.
Up the green stairs
Every candle is a step. Every step is another elf who didn't sell. Don't look down — down is where the exit liquidity lives.
Retirement is a portal
Green light on the horizon. Everyone agrees it's retirement. Nobody has come back to confirm.
We didn't
make this up
Every piece of $ELVES lore is a real thing a real publicly traded company really did. We are simply the people who noticed.
Ammunition
Free. Unlicensed. Post them everywhere. A cult that doesn't post is just a group chat.
Get your
employee photo
Upload a face and the elf fits itself — hat, ears, collar, snapped to your features automatically. Then drag every piece wherever you want it. Free, instant, never leaves your browser.
Becomean elf
No roadmap. No utility. No exit. Just a very large group of people carrying bags toward a light they were told is retirement.
Frequently
avoided
questions
Vlad calls the people working with him at Robinhood ELVES. We are all bagworking $ELVES. That's it. That's the coin.